the journal of the crazy serialbathera

I decided to post on here because they sent me an email. I do forget sometimes i have other blog sites besides Livejournal. It is so easy to forget sometimes.
My goal this summer is to try to be more open.. well, I guess in a sense, to try to be more comfortable with myself... which leads to me feeling that I can tell people more in my life.
I have a tendency to try to censor myself.
I also have a tendency to forget that I have random places in the internet I could technically express myself... but I don't... today for the first time in who knows how long I decided to log onto my myspace account. I didn't find any reason for me to stay log in too long, though I was
randomly searching people I know who aren't actually connected to my myspace. I could add them but that means I have to be active on myspace again.
I never was really popular there, and I don't expect to be. It was more an experiment.
I get distracted easily, and despite all the random accounts I have set up online, I realize when I go online I really only go to about 4 websites. I don't branch out more. I am sure I could easily branch out in other areas of the cyberweb but I have never thought of myself as exciting as other people.
I easily see the awesomeness in other people, and think that everything I do is horrid.
I am trying to work on it. It takes a long time to work on it.
Actually sometimes it seems I struggle not necessarily for happiness but just to feel even. Not to feel so chaotic in my head sometimes. I can't just hold one thought in my head like other people. Also, I know I am very prone to see things that are not there.
I was projecting on one of my friends the other day. My mind was telling me I should be worried about him... Maybe I project my feelings of loneliness and depression unto others because I hope that people can see the same in me without me telling them.
It is hard sometimes throwing up the silly facade I wear a lot of the time. And it is weird how even while I can make jokes, a part of my mind is feeling completely out of touch with everything.
I am trying though.
While I wish I could just wake up happy. I know that is not going to happen.
I am glad though I have such awesome people in my life. Everything in my life has happened for a reason, and hopefully I am on the exact path I need to be on so that I feel like a whole person, and not a sad little person who deserves to hide forever in the shadows.